Incurable Cat Illnesses
Collapsible Legs:
Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground
as though cheek -marking the concrete, carpet, etc. After several such manoeuvres,
the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, leaving the cat waggling
its feet in the air.
Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed
belly and rubbing gently. There is side effect though some feline sufferers
attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after prolonged
treatment. This condition is probably incurable and any cat which required prolonged
treatment after an attack will most likely suffer repeated attacks of collapsible
legs throughout its lifetime.
Snudging:
Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly head butts any available part of a
readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and cheek
are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing, etc. This condition gets its name from
a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging". Snudging may well be
a form of excessive scent marking. A bad attack can result in soggy clothing.
Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between
ten minutes and one hour after the onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off
snudged clothing or skin. Attacks reoccur frequently, usually when the most
readily available human is engrossed in a TV program, book, newspaper, or telephone
call.
Bed-Hogging
Symptoms: The cat spreads to its full breadth and length and takes up
all available free bed space at night when its human is trying to sleep. It
then expands a bit more until any human occupant occupies the smallest possible
area of the bed. It may do this on top of or underneath the duvet and blankets
or on the pillow. It is highly contagious and will affect any other cat on the
bed. Attacks of bed-hogging have been know to last up to 23 hours and in one
case 3 days when the human was in bed with the flu.
Treatment: Try not to give way as the cat expands. Buying a bigger bed
is pointless as most affected cats can easily expand to fill standard, queen
and king sized beds. The only alternative is to train yourself to sleep while
hanging precariously off the side of the bed. Non-Specific Insect Infestation & Non-Specific
Spider Infestation
Symptoms: This disorder is more prevalent among cats that go outdoors
and cats with access to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from
minor (the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems
of insects living on the cat, spider webs spun between ears & whiskers).
Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the infesting
agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of the fur. If the
cat suffers recurrent or sever symptoms an exercise regime is highly recommended
since mobile cats appears to attract fewer greenfly.
Irritable Lap Syndrome
Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps,
instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, getting
up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, attacking
magazine, needlework, computer keyboards, telephones, etc.
Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. Drop whatever you are doing
(literally if need be) and give 100% attention to the sufferer otherwise symptoms
may escalate and become quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention
will cure an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs this syndrome
is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.
Lap Fungus Disorder
Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds to spread in
all directions. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms such as high volume
purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition is highly contagious
and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.
Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary anti-fungals is ineffective.
Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is required to alleviate the
worst symptoms and only prolonged attention will cure an attack. Although in
a number of cats, such treatment actually exasperates the condition. This disorder
manifests itself periodically throughout the affected cat's life and there is
no long-term cure.
Smurgling
Symptoms: Symptoms are varied and range from sucking at clothing, human's
earlobes/nose/fingers/ skin, and drooling with a glazed expression, often accompanied
by kneading and high volume purring.
Treatment: Smurgling is incurable but it is possible to remove smurglable
items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted to humans in the form
of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.
Greeblingz
Symptoms: Random dashes up to and including helter-skelter running through
the house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be non-visible
entities and some authorities have linked them to UFO sightings or feel that
they may be diminutive other-dimensional beings. Cats suffering from Greeblingz
typically have wild-eyes expressions. There is a minor danger of Greeblingz
attaching themselves to humans, if a cat attacks such a Greeblingz, injury to
the human may result.
Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as the condition
appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. Avoid getting in the way of a cat
engaged in Greeblingz hunting. Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps
as Greeblingz return to their own dimension. These irritating creatures are
not visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight and hearing of cats
enable them to see them.
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